It Time for a Laugh

This appeared in the June 2000 issue of Australian Aviation Magazine

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
  5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
  12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
  15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
  16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  20. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.
  21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
  24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
  25. A Blonde Joke

    A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

    THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY...

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

    "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

    How Good is Slow?

    The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that The C-130 pilot said, 'Hey!-That was pretty impressive, but watch this! The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then he said: 'What did you think of that? Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do? The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and cinnamon roll - - - What do you think of that?

    Comments overheard on some flights

    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

    "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    "Last one off the plane must clean it."

    From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate." "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."